


(don't) let me go

by ccaeruleus



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A bit sad, Angst, Ghost Draco Malfoy, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Sad, fic of an edit, trigger warning, why am I doing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 17:46:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20429948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ccaeruleus/pseuds/ccaeruleus
Summary: There was a silence.“You need to leave.”“I need to leave,” they said at the same time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Live in a nightmare.

Harry was sobbing. He was sobbing and apologizing and wishing for it all to be a dream at the same time.

“Sectumsempra!”

Draco Malfoy hitting the floor.

“We’ll find a way.”

Dumbledore covering up for him.

Harry was sobbing.

“Please, please, I didn’t mean to kill you, please!” His screams blended into the sound of the rain. “I’m sorry-I’m so sorry...”

Draco was staring.

Harry was sobbing.

“Let it be a nightmare, please. Let this just be a bad dream.”

Draco was staring.

Harry was sobbing.  
Sobbing to the point his lungs burned.

“I didn’t want to kill you! Please!”

Draco was floating with his legs crossed.

Harry was laying on the floor.

“Just come ba-a-ack—“

“Potter.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry choked on the last word.

“And I’m dead. So quit crying, because your tears aren’t bringing me back,” Draco said, almost cruelly. Almost. There was an unfamiliar softness to his words.

“I’m sorry,” Harry said, much quieter this time.

“You already said that.”

“I know.”

They didn’t break the silence for a few moments. That is, until Draco decided to speak.  
“You don’t really have to feel guilty.”

Harry looked up with confusion. “What do you mean? I killed you. We were enemies and I killed you. You should be yelling, not comforting.”

Draco laughed at that. “You’re right. Maybe I should be yelling.” His voice quavered when he spoke next. “But I’m not mad because you did the thing I was too much of a coward to do.”

“What are you talking about?”

Draco waved his hand. “Nevermind.”

“Malfoy?”

“I hate you, don’t I? I don’t really think I need to explain anything to you.”

“Yeah. You hate me.”  
Draco took a moment before talking again. “You know what, I’m already dead.” He laughed a bit, because him? Opening up to Potter? “I tried to kill myself before you managed to do that for me. Twice.”

“What?”

“Dying was as hard as living, it seemed.”

“Why? Why in the world would you want to kill yourself?”

“You knew nothing,” Draco whispered, a hint of sadness in his voice. “I was a pureblood, I had a family that made me join the Dark Lord with force and had me in control with curses. I had friends that told my every move to my family. But yeah, why in the world would I want to kill myself?”

“I-I didn’t—“

“Oh, of course you didn’t!” Draco’s eyes flashed. Harry was taken aback from the sudden rise of his voice. “Because believing I was the bad guy was better. You had someone to accuse and chase when something happened.”

“Malfoy—“

“But you know what? I am disgusted by myself for every death I lead to. And I am disgusted by myself for proving you right.” His right hand went to rub his left forearm. Harry’s eyes followed the motion.

“I’m sorry.”

“Well, sorry doesn’t make up for it.”

Harry looked sad, and Draco knew he wasn’t being fair, that it wasn’t because of him that he was tortured. So he drew in a breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he was calmer.  
“Look, I know none of that was your fault. It’s just-“ he couldn’t help the laughter bubbling in his chest. “-just that dying is a bit weird. It messes with my moods.”

“I wish I knew you better when you were alive.”

“So that you could kill me earlier?”

“No-“

“Just kidding, sorry,” Draco laughed. Harry couldn’t help but stare. Draco Malfoy certainly didn’t laugh enough while he was alive.

“I meant that if I knew you better, maybe I could’ve saved you instead of ending up killing you.”

“Oh, you are my hero, don’t worry,” Draco said, sarcasm dripping from his words.

Harry was having none of it, though. He started thinking about ways to actually save Draco Malfoy.  
“Do you think I can have Professor Dumbledore give me a time turner?”

Draco’s smile dropped simultaneously. “You’re joking.”

Harry stared at him blankly.

“Oh, come on! I told you, I didn’t want to live! Just drop it!” Draco half-shouted frustratedly.

“But we can help you!”

“I don’t want your help.” He closed his eyes for a second. “I won’t be a fucking burden to anyone.”  
When Harry didn’t seem persuaded, he spoke again.

“I’m going to try to be a better person than I was alive.” He looked at Harry right in the eyes. “People hated me and I deserved it. I can’t go back now.”

Harry stopped for a second before replying. The rain had started to die down.  
“They don’t hate you.”

“They do.”

“So you’re telling me that if they saw you now, they would tell you to fuck off and stay dead?”

“What makes you think they could see me?”

That got Harry on his feet and running to the Gryffindor dormitory. As soon as he got his hands on the Marauders Map, he opened it and started chasing for one name.

“You already know I’m dead, Potter.”

“You can’t be- you aren’t- are you real?”

“Can you see me?”

“Yes,” Harry replied, his throat suddenly dry.

“There you go. Now, I think you should change into something dry. We wouldn’t want you catching cold.”

“Would you care?” Harry asked. He knew he sounded childish but this Draco seemed like a new person. An untouched page of a book.

Draco hesitated before answering. “I think I would.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take a seat and listen to him breaking.

They continued like that for a few days. Draco had his mood switches where he would yell at Harry or just simply talk to him about his life, or listen to him. Harry had started to get used to him and that was scary, to be honest.

“You’re doing it wrong, you idiot,” Draco said, not bothering to hold his voice down since the only one who saw and heard him was Harry.

“I’m going to drown myself in this potion. I hate this class,” Harry whispered.

“Drowning yourself in amortentia doesn’t sound like a good idea. Look, you need to smash those-“

Later, Harry didn’t really remember much of that lesson, except for the part where he smelled mint and apple in his potion.  
He hadn’t paid much mind to it back then.  
Until a fight, that was.

“You keep bringing up the same topic!”

“Because I’m right, you arsehole! You need to see someone!”

“Why would I need to-“

“You’re fucking oblivious. Granger and Weasley boy aren’t concerned for nothing. You’re losing it!”

“I’m fine!” Harry shot back, his eyes burning with anger. 

“You’re not! Don’t go pretending you’re fine because you’re an awful liar! You’re crying yourself to sleep every day and you still feel guilty for killing me, after all my attempts to say that IT’S FUCKING FINE!” Draco growled. Harry took an actual, physical step back.

“You were listening?”

“What, you expected me to go to sleep like every living person does?” He said, with an emphasis on “living” that made Harry’s heart clench painfully. “We’re fucking connected for a reason and I can’t just float away from you, okay?” 

“But-“

“And as much as this is ridiculous, I care about you.”

Harry opened his mouth to object, but what came out instead was a sob. He hadn’t even realized he was holding back tears until he started full on sobbing. 

“Hey,” Draco started softly, all of his anger dissolving into concern.

Harry collided into him.

He just threw himself in Draco’s arms. Draco caught him and they sat on the floor, Harry crying into Draco’s cold chest, and Draco running a hand through his hair.  
After an hour or so, when Harry’s sobs had died down, the realization hit him. Even his dead-self, Draco smelled like mint.

Amortentia.

Harry scrambled to his feet, taking a few steps back before dropping onto the floor of the Room of Requirement again. 

“What’s wrong?” Draco asked, his brows furrowed.

“You-you—“

“Me what? Did I do something wrong?” Draco asked, genuinely worried.

“You smell like mint,” Harry muttered, feeling every cell of his body freeze and burn at the same time.

“Yes?”

“Nothing,” Harry lied, but Draco was having none of it.

“I can feel your anxiety. Come on, how can me smelling like mint freak you out?” 

“I forgot to write the essay,” Harry said, making up instantly. Which was unfortunate, because he forgot that Draco was floating around with him all the time.  
Draco’s expression changed from confused to hurt, but he didn’t push Harry any further.

Harry left the Room of Requirement even though he knew Draco’d follow him. He headed for the Prefects Bathroom and sat on the floor, not crying or screaming, just thinking.

I fell in love with my dead enemy who was killed by me.

Hell.

He drew in a few full breaths, trying to calm down.

What’s the worse that can happen? He’ll reject me and we’ll move on. It’s not like he can just walk away.

He can float away, a voice somewhere in his mind said.

Harry, cursing that voice, rose to his feet and got out. 

“Draco?”

“Here,” Draco’s voice came from his side. He was leaning on the wall. “You done with the drama?”

“Can we go back to the Room of Requirement?”

Draco eyed him suspiciously. “Sure.”

They went back to the Room of Requirement.

“I’m sorry I stormed off,” Harry apologized.

“If it’s about me touching you, then I wont do it again, I swear,” Draco said, and Harry could see he meant it.

“No! No, it’s not that, I promise. Just... you’ll want to take a seat for this.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leave before sunrise.

Three fucking minutes.

Three fucking minutes later, Draco was talking Harry’s ears off and Harry was on the verge of crying.

“That-that Weasley-girl! She’s interested in you. A few dates and you’ll like her. Or Granger. You were always close, weren’t you? I bet she’d love t—“

“DRACO!”

“What?” Draco turned to him, stopping his pacing.

“Stop trying to set me up with girls. I’d understand if you simply rejected me—“

“This isn’t about rejecting!” Draco pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, I’m dead—“

“Oh thanks, I didn’t have eyes—“

“SO, even if by any chance I loved you back, this wouldn’t work—“

“You love me back?!”

“That’s not the point!” Draco shouted even though he could clearly see this argument was heading nowhere. “I’m not going to force you into anything—“

“Oh, thank you,” Harry chimed in sarcastically.

“Just shut up for a damn second!” Draco closed his eyes and started talking more calmly. “We shouldn’t even be talking, let alone dating and stuff. I’m gone. You should have real friends and a real relationship.”

“You told me you were real!”

“I asked whether you could see me or not. It’s not important that we believe I’m real, it’s that if the others believe it. And no one does.” He sighed. “I don’t want you going crazy because of me.”

“But I’m not! I’m fine!” Harry objected. 

Draco didn’t say anything. 

Harry went to bed with a heavy heart.

Draco watched him sleep but was gone before Harry woke up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hand the knife and watch him die.

They played hide and seek for a few days. Whenever Harry saw Draco, he disappeared again.

But Harry understood him, he really did. Draco wanted the best for him.

So he started dating Ginny. Draco would be happy, he thought.

Draco wasn’t happy.

“I want to kill myself which is quite odd because I’m already dead.”

“You’re exaggerating. We’ve all been there,” Regulus said softly. “Harry’s going to be happy and you’re going to learn how to be happy for him,” he said, stopping for a moment before adding. “Just like I did with Sirius.”

“Wait—he saw you?!”

“Yeah. Crazy, right? He hated me even after I died but I followed him. Because we had a bloody bond. It took me five years to get him to listen to my story. I told him everything,” Regulus sighed. “That’s when he stopped hating me. We would chat for hours while he was in Azkaban. Nobody saw me, so they just thought he was going crazy. I helped him while he was trying to get to Harry.” 

“That’s... I wish I had that sort of company.”

“You do.” Regulus smiled at him. “Neither did I have that company while I was alive. I had no friends. I died alone, in a cave. My brother thought of me as a traitor, a death eater while I discovered Lord Voldemort’s-“ Draco visibly flinched at the mention of his name “-secret. I wanted to be a good person. Nobody ever remembered me, but I did what I could and I’d like to believe it mattered.”

Draco was silent for a few moments. “You died as an honorable man. I died as a death eater, a coward who couldn’t even think for his own.”

“That wasn’t you. What I see when I look at you is a young man who fought so hard to live and cared. And after dying, you still fight for the best. For the best of the boy who lived,” he said. Draco admired his words and his bravery. 

“I’m—thank you, Regulus.”

“I’d make a good uncle, wouldn’t I?” he asked with mischief in his voice.

“Yeah, yeah you would,” Draco said, smiling.

After that, Draco and Regulus kept in touch. Regulus introduced him to his new family, as he liked to say, James, Lily and Sirius. 

But Draco always came back to watch Harry when it was daytime.

He didn’t show himself to him, though.

“When does it end?”

“You being bonded with Harry? I don’t know, Remus and I have it since my death. I admitted that I love Remus, Remus said the same thing, we fought a million times, cuddled and shit.” Sirius stopped for a moment. “I think it goes on till he dies.”

Draco lowered his gaze to his hands. “I’m gonna watch him have babies with Weasel-girl. Bloody fucking hell.”

“Maybe you’ve got to let each other go,” said Sirius. “or, I don’t know, kill you again?”

“I told him to go get a girlfriend,” he replied bitterly. “Isn't that letting go?”

“Have you ever asked him if he was happy with her?”

Draco got up from where they were sitting on the roof.

He found him in the Room of Requirement. Harry was pacing.

One step, Harry stopped his pacing.

Two steps, Harry turned towards him.

Three steps, Harry made a surprised sound against his cold lips.

“Why did you—“

“I love you.” Draco rushed out. “I never wanted you to go.”

“Neither did I.”

There was a silence.

“You need to leave.”

“I need to leave,” they said at the same time.

There was a knife between the two of them.

“You ready?” Draco asked. Harry shook his head. “It’s gonna be okay.” He held the knife out to Harry, pointing it towards himself.   
Harry took the knife.

There was a second of calmness.

Then Harry turned the knife and stabbed himself in the heart.

“Maybe I don’t need to let you go, not yet.”


End file.
